Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Jack is Back!


Its been a while, where the hell have you all been? How would you just leave a brother hanging? Ok! I kid, I have been away for over 2 years but Jack is Back baby! So much has happened in the last 20-something months. Finished Uni, had a baby, been through 10 Blackberrys, moved back to the Motherland, visited states outside Lagos for the first time, got involved in national gossip and finally got married! Ok, I didn't get married! But I could easily have been married if I fully believed in that institution. Oh and I joined Twitter. (And ditched Facebook).

So I will blog about each of the different phases of my life over the past 20+ months. Its not a funny or entertaining blog just a run through of events. Finished Uni: Not much to say here. Last time I blogged I was on a year long internship at a company called Edirol Europe, by September 2008 I was back in Final year. At that point I realized that what I was studying at Uni (Accounting, Majorly) was NOT what I wanted to do. So I decided to Play away my final months, and hopefully finish with something above a 3rd class degree. I did. I got a 2:3.

Had a baby: In the 9th month of 2007 I won a contest and the Grand prize was a baby girl. Non-refundable. I am glad I won. Its strange how she ended up looking just like me. I have to say though she is the ONLY female that has slapped me more that 10 times. Her name is Tiwalola, named after my Fathers immediate younger sister. Couldn't have picked a better name. Shes probably the most beautiful prize I've ever won or anyone could win at all. Thing is, I can only keep her for 21years, anytime after that, some stupid bastard will win her away. And most likely even change her name. How fucking rude?

10 Blackberrys! I had my first BB(8800) in 2006, I remember I kept adding peoples MSN addresses to my Blackberry messenger but nah nothing! I mean it might have worked if the people I was adding also had berrys. It didnt last that long though, I left it in the back seat of a cab. The cabbie was a Jamaican guy so when I called to taxi company to ask/complain, they cut the phone on me. I didnt get another one (8300) till late 2007, guess what happened to it? No you guessed wrong, I was stupid enough to leave it at the back seat of another cab which my friends and I randomly hailed on the street after clubbing. I was drunk so I guess that's an excuse. NOT. Third one again was an 8800 which I used for a while and gave to a dear friend when decided to buy the BB 9000. The bold didn't last 2 months, on one VERY BROKE Sunday evening in London W2, I sold it to my phone dealer for 250 pounds and bought yet another 8800 for a 100 pounds - quickest and daftest 100 box I've ever made. This was December of 08 and I was on my FIFTH Blackberry.

Moved back to the motherland: In Jan 09, I moved back to the Nigeria. According to me then; To Begin life. What a joker! I have partied every single weekend this year (No jokes), infact, in Feb 09 I almost ended life in a near fatal car accident. But my new years resolution for 2010 will be to actually begin life. At some point in March, I gave my househelp (Mary) my BB and bought yet another Bold 9000 - and No! I wasnt screwing her! That Bold didnt last tho, I went for a friends birthday party, in HIS HOUSE. I decided to charge my phone in HIS LIVING ROOM. I left it for 5 mins and came back to a dangling charger. Hmmph! Where the fuck did I think I was??? THIS IS NIGERIA! Shortly after I bought a Storm 9500 that crashed after less than 2 months. I then started using my cousins 8300 and in less than a week, someone swiped it from my back pocket in at Insomnia nightclub while some chic was grinding on me. See its hard to focus on your backside when theres an orgasmic reaction about to happen in your front side. My ex sent me another 8300, which I had to give my cousin for loosing his, and then I finally bought YET ANOTHER BLACKBERRY BOLD 9000. - I am sure you guys are wondering why I am bragging sorry blogging about my BBs. But then ask yourself, is it normal to go through TEN of the same kind of phones in 3 years? Considering the last 8 came in the last 9months. Oh I also started work with some Advertising agency.

Ok! I'm actually getting bored of this blog even as I am typing it. I will leave the rest (visited states outside Lagos for the first time, got involved in national gossip, got married, joined Twitter) of the occurrences to your imagination. I promise to Blog once a week! Its been nice catching up!

Peace out!

Friday, 23 March 2007


I found myself in O2 again last night. Ask me how?

When I went there on Wednesday, I saw that they were starting the movie ‘300’ the next day (yesterday) and I realised that it if I chill till Friday, the cinemas would be ridiculously full. BUT THAT IS NOT THE ISSUE! The movie 300 is INSPIRATIONAL... And I mean that in the most direct way you could ever imagine. LOL. Read on!

06:18pm: On the way to the station after work, I called my cousin up. “Oh boy, make we go see that 300 movie na, I hear say e dey commot today – meet me for O2 before 07:00pm” That’s why I like going to see movies with close friends and family – no need for all that demo of pop-corn, Malteasers, drink, hot dog, Nachos, ice-cream and all those things that you would normally buy when you carry babe. My cousin and I just bought on large bucket of pop-corn to keep the mouth running, we no even buy drink (when we reach house we go use somerfield apple juice wash am down).

07:00pm – O2, paid for the tickets (with old student card - wey we no dey school again o!) and proceeded to catch the flick. I love seeing movies at the cinema, I don’t know why – I think I just ‘gbadun’ the experience. Meanwhile, you know all those Orange adverts with those two guys (for the cinema goers) that they used to show before the start the movie, I think the last one was the one with Steven Segal, where he blew up their helicopter. Omo, there is a new one now, its funny – look out for it – i.e. get to the cinema on time and don’t be like typical (you know who) and get there late saying;- “we would only miss the previews”. You don’t know that the previews would ginger you up for the feature movie! Anyway the new Orange advert is really cool; you guys should check it out!

SPARTAN! – (I am not going to say much about the movie (300), because I don’t want to spoil it for those who intend to watch it and at the same time I don’t want to bore those who are not even interested). I want to talk about the effects the movie had on me! Now I understand why they always put age restriction on movies for children. Some of these movies dey possess person. Kai! Basically the movie 300 is about warriors/soldiers who were trained to battle and kill from the age of seven. It was for only the boys though but their girls and women were important. These soldiers turn out to be very strong. Remember Troy, now imagine like 300 of Brad Pitts character in Troy in one movie now that’s “300” – They are called Spartan soldiers from a place called Sparta. With all the Demo in the movie, coupled with the cinema effects men, you go just dey shake body on top your seat, the thing go dey sweet you. You self you go think say you be Spartan warrior! Ask me wetin happen.

Na so the movie finish, after seeing all that bravery, fearlessness, courage, fighting with weapons e.g. Swords, Shields, Spears and ‘sound plus visual’ effects. My body just dey charge, you know when you walk with your chest out like say if any body just try me now I go just find one small stick and ‘chuk di person”. Indeed, na so one Oyinbo guy wey just commot from one nearby pub, the guy was drunk and started talking to me and cousin as we were walking to the station... All I could think about was how I go shout SPARTAN, jump and stab him with my sword. But as my “pali” green his was most likely red, ‘mo y’ara min brain’ – ‘I gave myself small brain’ and kept quiet. Lol.

But guys, guys, the point I am trying to make here is that all these stabbing and shooting that is going in London, ‘ara nkan to man fa re’ – ‘these are part of the things causing them’. When all these ‘Oi boys’ watch all these kind of rap videos and hear all kinds of stuff on them it’s the same effect it has on them. That’s why they begin to kill each other; we won’t see that kind of thing IN JESUS NAME.

And for all you girls (including some guys) that survive on Naij movies – I am not saying there’s anything wrong with that but when for instance “Your husband or boyfriend is not giving you enough respect/money or even satisfaction AND in the last Naija movie you watched, “Loveltina”, wanted “Morris” to love her more and she put some ‘juju’ in the Eba and Egusi she made for him, then he became a ‘Mumu’ for her” PLEASE DON’T LET IT GIVE YOU THE KIND OF IDEAS THREE HUNDRED WAS GIVING ME O! – Lol

:-) I am sure you guys know that no matter what, I would never stab anyone. I am a child of God and covered by the blood of Jesus so no weapon fashioned against me or no one planning to stab me shall prosper unless baba says its time for me to come up there and sit by his throne!

See you tomorrow! “Make I warn una, my weekends dey sweet well well o! So no miss tomorrow edition!”

Thursday, 22 March 2007

The Den

I am not sure why some of our people love the Den so much but I am sure its not the only Nigerian food joint in the whole of north-west London. Last night I found myself eating their very bonny Suya (if it’s not Suya in Nigeria, it’s not the same thing as Suya in Nigeria).

06:45pm and as usual I am looking for what to do with my evening. As it was Wednesday, there was the option of mid-week service at church but the grumblings in my tummy did not permit me to move towards that direction. All I could think about was food! To make matters worse I was unshaven, full hair and half asleep... Which reminds me – Would you guys believe that I dozed off on the train on my way back from work. One would say whats wrong with that? Its ok, but not when your stop is the last stop and the train is about to start moving again in the other direction. You should have seen how I jumped off my seat when I heard the door about to close. You need to understand that, the train had reached its final stop (my stop), the driver got down, went to the other end of the train (in order to move in the opposite direction), waited for like 10-15 mins before shutting the train doors and that’s when I heard that beeping sound and jumped off my seat. To cut the long story shore, I left my pen on the train.

Where was I? So make matters worse I was unshaven, full hair and half asleep, bank account not saying much (in fact almost not saying anything at all [Don’t judge me – its already 20-somethingth of March, its Ok to be broke at this time of the month]). Thank God for how we Nigerians look out for each other and understand each other, so I called up my Local Barber and said “Oh boy I dey come shape up, but... shey you understand” and he simply said “No yawa now”. Bless his soul – meanwhile after he cut my hair for free he made my buy (on credit) one of the Polo shirts he sells and said I would pay him next week. Life! Nothing is free in this world! Got home, dropped my stuff and made out almost immediately to the barbers shop (as you’ve just read). In between all this, I received a call from one babe that just landed from Yankee for her spring break holiday. I don’t get it, why are students in America coming to this Heat forsaken country for SPRING BREAK! I swear they are better off in the northern part of Naij maybe somewhere like Katsina on Nasarawa. The babe said she wants to see me and I asked her where she was – “I am somewhere in south-east London, take the train to London bridge station, get the surface train to so and so...” I said “wait o that one is already reaching outside London if not Kent”. Finally she said she was coming to the O2 centre on Finchley Road. To be honest that was even worse because I knew I would run into a few people – but being a week day with little chances of seeing anyone, I decided to go! But before O2, I ran down to my cousins’ crib also in Northwest London to satisfy my hunger.

08:30pm: O2 centre with the babe and bumped into like 10 other people from years ago. Imagine, it’s just ridiculous, ON A WEDNESDAY? The question is “wetin carry me go there”. – Woman of course! Now with a filled up stomach, full of smiles with only sleep on my mind, that’s how this babe said she is hungry. In my mind I said, so what am I supposed to do about that? But in reality, I said; “Really?” She said she wanted to go to The Den and that I should take her. Now what wasn’t clear was whether the “take me” meant show me direction since I don’t know the way or come and buy food for me at The den, As ‘guy man’, I couldn’t just say I was broke like that, I had to agree with that suggestion and then break it down to her on the way. But we thank God, she said was going to treat me. That’s why it’s not good to be to forward. If I hadn’t gone to my cousins’ house to eat, I would have done to her what Aunty Lori did to Mr. Fine boy! “Na God save am”.

Omo they are making money in that Den O! See grown up Nigerian men, after leaving their family at home coming to drink pepper soup and down bottles of beer. But who blames them, the food in this country is disastrous, all they know how to eat is Broccoli and Sprouts with Mushrooms. At work today, I went to eat at the cafĂ© for lunch and they said they were serving burgers – I was happy and therefore purchased one. Only for me to open the thing, besides the buns it consisted of the following ingredients; - The actual burger, ketchup and two boiled onion rings. UNBELIEVEABLE!

Back to my Den story, they are really making money in that place. I spent like an hour and a half there and nothing less than 20 old men, 5 couples and 7 random people walked in and out – considering there are only like 7 tables. The place is really small so I over heard all sorts of conversations, its funny how Nigerians abroad love talking about politics in Nigeria. The way these guys were talking you would think they are based in Naij and are only here for one or two days – some of them have been here for like 14 years now. I have only been to Den like 4 or 5 times in my life but there was one guy there that I have seen every single time and I know he doesn’t work there or own the place because he was wasted (DRUNK) each time!

The food wasn’t great! Imagine how Suya would have more bone that meat – I think they just roasted some “oxtail’ and sprinkled the pepper on it. As I was eating it, all I could think about were those nights my friends and I would drive down to Allen Avenue to buy Suya from the Faculty of Meatology (University of Suya). Well and if we were on the island – it would be Ikoyi hotel or opposite Eko hotel – maybe like once a year.

The night went well, after dinner we went to a friends’ house to ‘chill’... I would leave what happened there to your imagination!

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Being Jack Bloggs

Allow me to introduce myself. The name is Bloggs, Jack Bloggs. To think I am not a Great fan of neither Bond movies nor Shawn Carter.

Hi folks I am completely new to this whole blog thing so forgive me if I bore the hell out of you. I hope not because I was inspired to start writing blogs by Mr. Fine boy whose blogs are funny as hell. I am going to write in a similar pattern to Mr. Fine boy and at the same time aim to be different. To be completely honest it’s difficult to decide whether to do the flashbacks or just share my thoughts generally. I have decided to make it this somewhat of a journal and throw in a few thoughts and flashbacks of my life.

Excuse my rudeness; I haven’t said anything about myself. Nigerian guy in his twenties, lives in London, loves it, do not intend to die here but I would like to go to Nigeria with the confidence and assurance of being successful and living extremely comfortably. Because Omo without money it’s hard to enjoy in that place, but here all you have to do is look for one job, reduce you enjoyment and you’ll be just ok. Most of us here (abroad) have probably been set up for Naij through family connections and stuff, but me it’s a bit shaky. Its not like I don’t come from a good family, but there are one or two complications, maybe even three. But at the end of the day and in the long run it’s really every man for his/herself as we know how people can misuse the funds and connections laid down for them by their folks.

Working habits: I need you guys to come into Jack Bloggs’ world so let me tell you a typical working day for me.

00:01am: Sunday night/Monday morning, getting ready to go to bed – but as a guy you always feel the need to call one babe or the other. Who knows after work one evening this week I might be lucky and she would invite me over, cook for me and erm..., we gist till about 01:30am (when I only planned to ‘yarn’ for like 15 minutes), set alarm on like three different phones for 06:30am and the sleep off.

06:30am: Alarm goes off! Speaking in what is partially my dream and partially reality, I say “God forbid, less than 5 hours sleep when I am going to be working for 8 hours – it does not balance”. Hit the snooze button on each phone as they ring and eventually get up at 07:20am.

08:00am: Out of the house and ready to face the cold, Metro, tube delays, struggling for sit when the train finally comes and nice Oyinbo babes that look sexy in their skirt suits. Finally get to work at 08:45

09:00am to 12:00noon: Facebook, Hotmail,, random websites, checking out some blogs etc, then at certain intervals – Microsoft Outlook just to reply emails, Sageline 500 to get at least some work done.

12:00noon to 01:00pm: My line manager is on his lunch therefore more Facebook, Hotmail,, checking out some blogs etc.

01:00pm to 02:00pm: Lunch time!

02:00pm TO 05:30pm: As much work as possible and counting down each second!

05:45pm: Journey home – the first thing I always look out for on the train in the evening is a copy of the London Lite. I don’t know if it’s just me but that thing beats any other daily tabloid in this town. All their columns from London eye to “Get it off your texts” to Gadget Zone and even their sports section, the London Paper is just depressing. It’s like Ft trying to gossip!

06:30pm till the following day: I just do random things. Which basically is what I will be gisting you guys about every evening because I have a hell of an interesting life!

I am looking forward to feeding you every evening!